The pinacle of catalogue sales and marketing...

...or how to seperate you from your money. I found at the cafe a sample of those catalogues where you can order articles supposed to make your life easier. I started reading it, and found a few hilarious things in there. I couldn't resist sharing.
Let's start with page 3, where my attention was drawn to a trio of "magical mushrooms"- Do these guys ever proofread what they write in there? I mean, you know, " a trio of magical mushrooms, what does it sound like to you, seriously?- so I have a look at those, supposed to add "a woodland whimsy" to a garden bed, and the reason why I was attracted to them is that they remind me of a story that occured in France in the late 90's. The "Garden Dwarwes Liberation Front" started kidnapping garden dwarves in France and Great Britain. What started out as a second degree humor hoax ended up as a very popular movement, that regularly got news coverage. In Great Britain the kidnapped dwarves even sent potcards to their previous owners, in true tradition of British humor. The thing got serious though, as it provoked reactions of the "international Association for the Protection of Garden dwarves"and triggered debates around the notion of despising popular culture. I'm serious, google it, you'll see.
Now the next item that attracted my attention was on page 5, and THAT's a deal there:
the "daughter-in-law afghan". Now the mysterious reason why they call this an Afghan, as it is as remote as possible from an Afghan carpet, you will have to explain to me. However, for the modest sum of 29.98 USD, you can get the most horrible throw imaginable, with cheesy flowers on it, and an equally cheesy welcome message on it for your daughter-in-law, and it's 60x46''!
I'll remember this catalogue if my daughter Leila ever shows up with the intention to marry an asshole, I'll know where to order my "welcome to the family" gift... If that doesn't make him runaway, then I'll have to erase her from my testament.
Page 5 now, ah, that one's good: "Fleece earband holds cap on-keeps ears toasty warm!"- keeps you damn ugly and deaf, for sure. Now if my man wears this, I get a divorce, man. - Eddie, if you read this, you now know how to get rid of me -
Wait, it's endless! here is another one, p.9: the "broken chain" stepping stone "honors those family members who have passed on, while offering a message of comfort to those who remain behind. behind what? Wait till you hear the "comforting message":
"Our family chain is broken,and nothing seems the same; but as God calls us one by one the chain will link again."
Well as far as I'm concerned, no thanks, the later the better. I love U Dad, but I'd rather stay here longer. And what sort of comfort is that, that reminds you that death strikes blindly and that you might be the next? Ok, this is a discussion that has to take place somewhere or sometime else.
Now on the same page, we got the "hamburger press" that "shapes perfect patties". Tell me, are people so lazy they can't do that with a spatula anymore? Or does it have to do with that control freak obsession of everything having to be "perfectly shaped", that is, your patties, your waist, your trees, your kids, ... I'll stop here, we're on a slippery slope.
Ok, now as I'm writing this, I just read another one and I'm just holding my ribs, as we say in French, now listen, here is another dimension: A "Seen on TV" article. Urine Gone! - What an elegant name, by the way - Here is part of the ad: "Darken the room and use the included "stain detector" black light to let you find the urine messes". No kidding. In case your family was composed of a hord of grotto people who had never seen a toilet. The catch phrase is pretty clever, though, appeals to the powerful collective inconscient of American subculture. Kids are gonna play "X Files" on saturday night with that black light, that will keep them busy and may allow their parents to finally have a sex life. Yahoo!!! 19.98 too, that's a STEAL, man.
A dubious article now, on page 21: "How to think like a horse" ??? The book in itself is probably a good one for anyone interested in horses, but it's just... who the hell writes their ads obviously has not beeen proofread: " Read and become aware of how horses like to be rubbed, bur never tickled" ??? and again: "Learn about their zones of sensitivity, body language" ??? I think the guy just copy and pasted from an erotic review. They also claim to teach you how to "speak horse". Another sequel of that movie, I guess.
Now an item that for a split second gave me false hopes, the smallest travel iron that "smoothes out the wrinkles in seconds". Dang. That's not for my wrinkles. False joy.
Page 25 you have my favorite, the "cat free face"" with vivid green eyes is a head-turner!" says the ad. I'll sure turn my head the other way, man. "It will certainly catch everyone's attention". Consists of 6 pieces in varying sizes!" Jeeeze!
P.26, you have the "Booster" car seat that gives your pet a window level view!"
P.31, we got a serious concurrent to Roberto's angels. Roberto, watch, and learn, here is how to make money! 14.98 a piece. Send them your angels, man.